“Who Am I?” and “What Am I Doing?”
These two questions seem to pop up a lot in life. Who am I? What am I doing [here/in life/]? They are good questions, so I guess it’s equally good that they come up often. You’ll find them many times at critical junctions in life: senior year of high school as you decide what to do afterwards; sometime during college as you feel the pressure to pick a major; senior year of college as you decide what to tell the countless people who ask “so what are you going to do after college”. I’m guessing that analogous questions go through your mind when you meet that certain special someone. They’re also at the heart of the infamous mid-life crisis.
But why do these questions hover around us throughout life? I believe they do so because we know at our core (whether it is vocalized in so many words or not) that if we live out of who we are and pursue what we are truly made to do, we will live quite fully indeed. In short, we will have more life.
Perhaps the quest to determine who I am is often hampered by the large number of parties that want to help me do so. Constant advertisements tell me that I am a consumer; my job is to purchase, use (rinse and repeat). Pop culture tells me that I should have a superb physique, trendy clothes, listen to the right music, and use the hippest language. If I do not have or do these things, then I am not “cool.” (Thankfully, smoking has fallen out of fashion – I’m back in the cool category there.) The cacophony of voices trying to tell me who I am, or who I should be and therefore who I am not, is overwhelming. All of the noise makes it difficult to hear the trustworthy voices giving me an accurate picture of who I am, let alone get time to really consider such things for myself.
The result of internalizing the abundant, asinine claims of who I am results in a marred identity (a.k.a. image). I just might spend so much time thinking about who I want to be that I never grasp who I am. And this is sad, mainly because the idea of who I want to be will continually change with new products and pop culture. In a world that continually tries to tell me who I am, leaving me with a marred identity, how can I determine what is true and who I truly am?
If a source exists to proclaim truth, it must not be self-seeking like advertisements and pop culture. It must genuinely have my well being in mind. As a Christian, I believe this source is God.
In God’s story, who I am is a matter of my relationship with God himself. I am made in God’s image (Gen 1:27). Though I had made many mistakes, removing the possibility of relationship with a perfect God that could not entertain me and thus stain his perfection, He found me valuable enough to warrant the death of his son Jesus (John 3:16) to pay the penalty for my mistakes. Seeing as justice has been served (penalty paid for a crime committed), I can again be in relationship with God. Therein lies who I truly am: I am God’s creation. It also shows my worth: I am seen as valuable enough for incredible sacrifice (Jesus’ death). These things will never change. Here must lie my image – how I answer the question “who am I”.
So if that is who I am, what am I doing here? Even after coming to the knowledge that I am a creation of God who is valuable to his Creator, I still have left to figure this out. What one is doing is typically associated with a person’s career. I’ve heard that, on average, people change careers (not jobs) seven times their lifetime. It appears that everybody (on average) continually tries to figure out what they’re doing by trying something new. Perhaps we go about things backwards1?
What if I first figured out first what my gifts and talents (my vocation), and then figured out what to do with them (my career)? As a creation of God, I believe that I’ve been created with certain talents that I both enjoy doing, do well, and in acting them out I honor the one who gave them to me. (Think how Ralphie's mom in A Christmas Story made him wear the bunny outfit to please/honor his aunt, the gift giver … it’s a lot like that only bunny suit is something you enjoy.) By sharing such gifts/talents, I get to act out what I’ve been made to do and enjoy doing. The result is life with passion, life with purpose, life alive, life that honors God. Good stuff. If this is true (and I believe it so) then my career choices should follow my vocation. How wonderful would it be to be able to do each day (career) what you’ve been made to do (vocation)?!
So these are two things I’m learning about: healing marred images and finding correct vocations. I find that I’m still learning how my own image is marred: I tend to value myself by how I look and what I can accomplish. I’m still figuring out the gifts that God has given me as my vocation. My time here in Sierra Leone has shown me that the people here struggle with the same things. My impetus for writing this entry was simply to set the stage for you, the reader, to learn about an encounter with a friend here that lined up with what I am learning in my reading and discussions. So yeah, I hope this makes sense. I imagine that even if you don’t agree with me totally, or have never thought about such things, a bit of what I’ve attempted to say resonated with you at some level.
Who are you? What are you doing?
1 Perhaps people change careers so many times because they are living out of their vocations. I hope so, but it doesn’t seem that this is true.
just thinking of ya!
Matt,
I’ve been following your blog for some time, and I know that you are convinced that there is a “vocation” that will lead to a career/life of fulfillment.
While I believe there is some truth to this, always remember that at the core of your faith is the commandment to bring love and truth to the people that God places in your life.
The charge that you place on yourself, that you must find a career that satisfies your vocation, is an admirable one. I believe that few really find that in their lifetimes. For the people of Sierra Leone, unlike people of privilege in the western world, I can only imagine that this hope for a meaningful career is a pipe dream.
I have to believe though that, amidst the poverty in that country, one constant you have found is that the people in Sierra Leone still find life, purpose, and passion in the people in their lives. People work because they must to survive, but it is the love that God placed (in the form of their family, community, even travelers like you) in their lives that provides life and hope.
I don’t think you should give up your hope for a career of fulfillment. However, should you never find it, realize that it shouldn’t be that complicated to find purpose and passion in your life. I believe it can be found every day, in the people you meet, in your conversation, in your family, in your community. Ultimately, if you can’t love the people in your life as well as you want, what good is what you do, then?
During the short time that I have been at Garden’s Alive, I have gotten to the place where I am thinking, “Maybe this is the type of setting that God wants me in, helping people.” You know that I have struggled with the job search thing, but I feel that God lead me here for a reason. I love the job and helping people, even if it is just with their planting needs. I feel that God also lead you to Sierra Leone to help the people understand why they are on this Earth and who put them here. And, you are a great person to show them that. From what I have read on you journey, you have learned from the people who live there also. That’s what life is about! We learn from each other. Stay safe and see you in a little while!
love ya,
Em
Matt,
You look good, I like the beard. It is funny how your postings seem to help me. This one struck at a similar time as you. Who An I, and what am I doing? I miss you and see you soon.
I’m in Freetown, stumble onto your site and enjoyed reading about you and what you are doing. I’d be interested in meeting with your WMF team to see if I can make a contribution to your efforts (I have a washer/dryer!). I’ll be in Freetown for two years. Hope to hear from you.